UNDERSTANDING YOUR SPOUSE LOVE LANGUAGE
By Dr Gloria Maseko
By Dr Gloria Maseko
INTRODUCTION
"Though
one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is
not quickly broken." Ecclesiastes 4:12
The five ways to
express and experience love is what Chapman calls ‘love language’. People are
emotional and hence they need to receive love. The need for people to be loved
is best explained by the’ love tank’. Each person has one primary and one
secondary love language.
There are five different
ways in which a human being gives and receives love. These are as follows:
v Words
of Affirmation (Verbal Appreciation)
v Acts
of service (Devotion)
v Receiving
Gifts
v Quality
Time
v Physical
touch
Words
of Affirmation (Verbal Appreciation)
The people who
belong to this love language want appreciation from their loved ones such as ‘I
love you’, ‘job well done’, ‘you look gorgeous/ stunning’. They like it when you compliment appearance. ‘That’s
my baby’. This makes them feel acknowledged for things they are doing right. They feel loved when they are appreciated. They
need regular praise. In addition they
too have daily affirmations that they make when they are down. Talking things through with others really
helps them. These are the things to do if your spouse love language is Words of Affirmation:
v Tell
your spouse you love him/her
v Congratulate
him/her on his accomplishment
v Praise
his best qualities (especially in front of people)
v Thank
your spouse for working hard for your family
v Tell
him you still find him sexy after all these years
Acts of service
(Devotion)
Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these
brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me” (Matthew, 40.)
This group believes
that ‘actions speak louder than words’. It makes them upset when people don’t keep their words. To
them Tangible expression of love mean the most. They feel loved when they are
helped with chores and projects in the house. They are inspired when people
pitch in to help them. To the acts of service, ‘let me take care of you’ are
the words that make their day. They appreciate the many things done to them. These
are the things to do if your spouse love language is Acts of service:
v Cook
his/her favourite meal
v Take
the kids for shopping so he/she can enjoy some peace and quietness
v Make
sure the house is clean before he/she comes
v Take
his/her car for service or car wash
v Help
him find things he has lost
Receiving Gifts
Proverbs 3:27
Do not withhold good from those
to whom it is due, when it is in your power to do it.
Proverbs
21:26
…the righteous gives and does not hold back.
This group is
characterized by valuing gifts no matter how little these are it makes them
happy since they feel someone was thinking of them. To them gifts are highly
important to them They appreciate the many things you do for them. They believe
in tangible expression of love or heartfelt gifts. They cherish letters and
messages sent to them. Most importantly receiving gifts on most important days
like birthday, anniversary, and valentine makes them to be overwhelmed with joy.
They look forward to lunch dates with friends.
To them several inexpensive gifts mean a lot to them than one large expensive
gift. They never forget it when you surprise them with a gift as long as they
live. They have little gifts with sentimental value at their desk. These people
it is easy to notice them because they even put a lot of time into the gifts
they give. These are the things to do if your spouse love language is Receiving gifts:
v Buy
him a card just because it makes their day
v Buy
him/her their favourite snacks from grocery store
v Buy
him a tool or a gadget he/she had always wanted
v Never
forget his/her birthday, anniversary, valentine
or any gift giving occasion
v Bring
him a souvenir anytime you take a trip
Quality
Time
24 And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love
and good deeds, 25 not giving up meeting
together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one
another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.
The loyal members
of this group like spending one on one time with those they love. They crave
for focused attention. To them togetherness makes them feel loved. These people
value conversation and closeness. They like it when their feelings are
understood. These people demand undivided attention. They feel unloved when you
interrupt them and you half listen. To them eye contact tells them someone
really cares, it is assurance that someone is listening to them. These are the
things to do if your spouse love language is Quality Time:
v Stop
multi tasking and give him/her full attention
v Watch
football together or whatever sport he/she likes
v Run
errands together
v Have
regular night date without kids
v Eat
dinner together with TV off
Physical touch
John 13 v 5 and after that, he poured water into
a basin and began to wash his disciples feet, drying them with a towel that was
wrapped around him.
34 A new command I give you: love one another. As
I have loved you, so you must love one another. 35 By this everyone
will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.
Jesus loved deeply and demonstrated that love. Jesus understood the
power of touch.
To this group
nothing says I love you more than a big warm hug. This is the kind of people
who physical touch makes them feel valued and makes the best part of their day.
If they had a long day it helps them forget it. This includes holding hands, giving
back rubs, a massage, cuddling and sexual contact. They value affection and
warm embraces. An unexpected kiss makes them feel loved and they enjoy slow
dancing with the one they love. They also need to be held when they are sick. These
are the things to do if your spouse love language is Physical Touch:
v Kiss
him/her before he/she leaves for work
v Give
him/her a massage
v Hold
hands
v Cuddle
on the couch to watch a movie
v Randomly
give him/her that touchy when you walk by him/her.
Note that the list
is endless, you may add to it.
HOW DO YOU
UNDERSTAND YOUR SPOUSE LOVE LAUNGUAGE
It is
most likely that If you are not speaking your partners love language he or she
likely does not feeling loved by you specifically. Unhappiness in marriages often
has a simple root cause: ‘we speak
different love languages’. Then the question is how do you discover your spouse‘s
and your own love language. If
speaking your spouse love language is the key to meet your spouse needs for
emotional love.
Then the big
question is how do you discover what love language he/she speaks. Lifelong
learning about your spouse requires time,
communication, persistence, imagination, patience and perseverance. is
possible to find another person’s love language by asking them questions on the
five love language quiz Understand that peoples love language do not change
over time but instead develop and need to be nurtured in different ways.
You don’t have to fear, because you can learn the
language. 2 Timothy 1v7 (NKJV) “For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of
power and of love and of sound mind
v Learn
God’s plan for families
v Love
your spouse unconditionally
v Observe
the way he/she expresses love to others
v Analyze
what he/she complains most often
v Note
what he/she requests from their partner (understanding your spouse’s primary
language)
Learn God’s plan for Families
As for me and my family we will serve the
lord- Joshua 24 v15. When the tank is full, that is genuinely loved feeling
loved, the spouse appears normal and adjusted and the world is beautiful.
Contrary when the tank is empty, the spouse has many internal struggles
especially emotional ones.
As for married people the person we would most
like to have love us is our spouse. If we feel loved by our spouse the world
looks bright, but if our love tank is empty the world begins to look rather
dark.
Love your spouse unconditionally
1John
4; 19 We love because he first loved us
Romans
5; 5 God poured his love into our hearts by the holy spirit
Likewise, when you pour out your love by
speaking your spouse love language, you are doing the most emotionally powerful
thing to do. Your Spouse desperately needs emotional love from you. As your
spouse love tank begins to fill, there is good chance that he or she will begin
to reciprocate.
A full love tank creates a positive atmosphere
in which you and your spouse can talk about your differences more easily and
negotiate solutions to your conflicts.
Hard cold hearts of men and women melt when they
begin to receive love in their love language. Love is the most powerful weapon
in the world for good. It has the ability to thaw the coldest of winters and bring blossoms of spring to your
marriages.
Observe the way he/she expresses
love to others
According to the love language concept, the way
you feel loved is also the way you show love people. People tend to naturally
give love in the way that they prefer receive love. People should not use the
love languages that they like most but rather the love languages that their
loved ones can receive.
Analyze what he/she complains most
often
Listen to your
souse complaints. Here are five common complaints and the love language that
each reveals.
v You mean you did
not bring me anything? Did you even miss me while you were away- Receiving gifts
v We never spend
any time together anymore we are like strangers- quality time
v I don’t think you
would touch me if I did not initiate it- physical touch
v I cannot do
anything right around here. All you ever do is criticize . I can never please
you- Words of affirmation
v If you loved me
you would do something around here
you never lift a finger to help – Acts of service
Usually
when spouse complains we get irritated. But he/she is giving us valuable
information.
Note what he/she
requests from their partner (understanding your spouse’s primary language)
Understanding your spouse’s primary love language and
learning to speak it can make a world of difference in your marriage.
With marriages in the Autumn and winter season- This is
often the case, you will find that one spouse becomes concerned enough about
the marriage (to read books on marriage, attend seminar, go for counseling, attend
couples dinner) while the other spouse is unwilling to do anything.
Have open ended questions in order to keep communication
flowing smoothly.
1.
What
do you think about…..
2.
What
most concerns you about…..
3.
Can
you help me understand………
No comments:
Post a Comment